Those Two Words

Hello friend.

I’d like to think that I have a fairly decent vocabulary. However, I seem to have trouble with 2 words sometimes. They aren’t long words. There’s no tricky accent on them, nor do they require tongue twisting enunciation. These words are...

I’m sssssssss.

Let me try that again...

I’m soooooorrrrr.

Ok, this is more difficult than I expected. Here’s goes.

I’m sorrryyyyy.

Whew! There. I feel better. And it’s not necessarily that those words are impossible to say for me. When I miss someone’s phone call, those words flow beautifully off my lips. “Oh I’m sorry I missed your call. I’ve been talking to God in my prayer closet for the past 4 hours.” Ok, it doesn’t usually go that way. It’s more like, “I’m sorry I missed your call. I was blowdrying my hair and a large chunk of it got sucked into the backside of the dryer. And while I was trying to pull it out, I panicked and turned to unplug the thing and stubbed my toe. Smoke from my burned hair had filled the room so I couldn’t see anything and ran into the door, knocking me unconscious for the past 32 minutes. The good news is, I saved the dryer. The bad news is, I now have bangs.”

So really, “I’m sorry” isn’t hard for me to say. Until I really know it needs to be said...WITHOUT putting a “but”, “that” or “if” after it. “I’m sorry that you took it the wrong way.” “I’m sorry if you think I said that out of spite.” Or the classic, “I’m sorry for how I said it, but I’m not at all sorry for what I said.”

Yep. The I’m sorry without a but, that or if. What a challenge.

I have a friend who’s been through thick and thicker with me. We’ve been very close the last few years. Slowly but surely, little things this person would say & do would make me...well...angry. But did I tell them that? Was I honest to them? No, no, no. Don’t be silly. I just kept listening...and listening...and taking it in...and taking it personally...and letting it build...and build. All the while, I was smiling and nodding. My friend had NO IDEA that I had had it up to HERE with the bad attitude & empty talk. And how could they have known? I was SMILING. And NODDING. I didn’t want to have to deal with conflict or confrontation. But a girl gets to her breaking point eventually. You know what I’m saying. You’ve been there. You take it, and take it, and take it, then...SNAP! Your face gets flush, your heart start pounding, and then bllllaaaaaaaaaa. Out come some not-so-pretty things. “Oh sure, just because I’ve been smiling & agreeing with you about everything you’ve been saying throughout the latter part of our friendship, then all of the sudden I explode all over you, you think I’M crazy. Fine. Be that way.”

Or perhaps, you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum. Maybe you just don’t talk to this person anymore. Cut ties with them completely, or cut at least as many ties as you possibly can. And because I’m the balanced person I am...I did both. Out came the words. Then came my selective amnesia about their very existence. Ahhhhh, I felt better. Problem solved, right? Yeaaahh, nooooo. I would have flashes of memories pierce through my amnesia and I would allow myself to get all worked up. I just played the things this person did and said to me over, and over. It was awful. Months and months went by. Then the months turned into a year.

I thought that everything was said and done; it had become something that couldn’t be reversed. Of all the things this person had said and done to me. It was over. But then...my loving God began a work in my heart. I didn’t come straight to the conclusion that I needed to ask forgiveness from this person. I was on a gradual journey & my heart began going through a transformation that I can only explain as a God-change. I was craving God’s word constantly. I truly felt my relationship with Jesus deepening into something very special and real. Knowing that I wanted my heart to be cleaned out and made pure, I began to ask God to show me things that I could do in order to make things right with people so that my heart, motives and actions could line up with God’s heart. And of course, don’t ya know it...He began to show me people who I needed to apologize to.

Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” 
I love how The Message puts Psalm 139:23 & 24. “Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.” 

I knew swallowing my pride was going to be hard enough, but being genuine with my apology WITHOUT needing or requiring an apology from this person? I knew I couldn’t do it without tapping into God’s mercy and grace. And when we do that...WATCH OUT. I was overwhelmed with love for this person. I wrote out a very long apology and sent it off. I didn’t blame, accuse or point out my friend’s wrongdoings. Even if it had ended there, I experienced this incredible sense of joy in my heart from being obedient to God’s command in the situation. I don’t care how hard the situation is, when we’re obedient to God’s leading, there will be His joy in our souls. He has given full access to His love, mercy, grace. We can’t do it alone. We can’t love people like they are meant to be loved. We can’t pour abundant grace on everyone like is should be poured out. We can try to. But we’ll discover VERY quickly, it’s just not going to happen. And that’s ok. God wants us to plug our hearts into His. THAT is how it’s meant to be. Thank you, Jesus.

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” I can love them, pour grace out on them, give mercy to them THROUGH HIM.

So within a couple of days, this friend emailed back, expressing their heart & how they were sorry too & how we should just start fresh. What an additional blessing that they were so receptive! That’s not always the case though. But again, it’s ok. We are only required to be responsible for our own reactions and motives. If we are listening to God’s beautiful voice in our lives and being obedient to Him, we don’t have to worry about others’ responses or hearts. It’s not our place. We can however, pray that their hearts and lives long for God. Because as we all run after God and long for hearts like His heart, we will come to this mutual ground of love, understanding and mercy. Wow. I declare God as faithful. 

1 Chronicles 29:27, “I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these things I have given willingly and with honest intent. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you.”