Those Two Words

Hello friend.

I’d like to think that I have a fairly decent vocabulary. However, I seem to have trouble with 2 words sometimes. They aren’t long words. There’s no tricky accent on them, nor do they require tongue twisting enunciation. These words are...

I’m sssssssss.

Let me try that again...

I’m soooooorrrrr.

Ok, this is more difficult than I expected. Here’s goes.

I’m sorrryyyyy.

Whew! There. I feel better. And it’s not necessarily that those words are impossible to say for me. When I miss someone’s phone call, those words flow beautifully off my lips. “Oh I’m sorry I missed your call. I’ve been talking to God in my prayer closet for the past 4 hours.” Ok, it doesn’t usually go that way. It’s more like, “I’m sorry I missed your call. I was blowdrying my hair and a large chunk of it got sucked into the backside of the dryer. And while I was trying to pull it out, I panicked and turned to unplug the thing and stubbed my toe. Smoke from my burned hair had filled the room so I couldn’t see anything and ran into the door, knocking me unconscious for the past 32 minutes. The good news is, I saved the dryer. The bad news is, I now have bangs.”

So really, “I’m sorry” isn’t hard for me to say. Until I really know it needs to be said...WITHOUT putting a “but”, “that” or “if” after it. “I’m sorry that you took it the wrong way.” “I’m sorry if you think I said that out of spite.” Or the classic, “I’m sorry for how I said it, but I’m not at all sorry for what I said.”

Yep. The I’m sorry without a but, that or if. What a challenge.

I have a friend who’s been through thick and thicker with me. We’ve been very close the last few years. Slowly but surely, little things this person would say & do would make me...well...angry. But did I tell them that? Was I honest to them? No, no, no. Don’t be silly. I just kept listening...and listening...and taking it in...and taking it personally...and letting it build...and build. All the while, I was smiling and nodding. My friend had NO IDEA that I had had it up to HERE with the bad attitude & empty talk. And how could they have known? I was SMILING. And NODDING. I didn’t want to have to deal with conflict or confrontation. But a girl gets to her breaking point eventually. You know what I’m saying. You’ve been there. You take it, and take it, and take it, then...SNAP! Your face gets flush, your heart start pounding, and then bllllaaaaaaaaaa. Out come some not-so-pretty things. “Oh sure, just because I’ve been smiling & agreeing with you about everything you’ve been saying throughout the latter part of our friendship, then all of the sudden I explode all over you, you think I’M crazy. Fine. Be that way.”

Or perhaps, you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum. Maybe you just don’t talk to this person anymore. Cut ties with them completely, or cut at least as many ties as you possibly can. And because I’m the balanced person I am...I did both. Out came the words. Then came my selective amnesia about their very existence. Ahhhhh, I felt better. Problem solved, right? Yeaaahh, nooooo. I would have flashes of memories pierce through my amnesia and I would allow myself to get all worked up. I just played the things this person did and said to me over, and over. It was awful. Months and months went by. Then the months turned into a year.

I thought that everything was said and done; it had become something that couldn’t be reversed. Of all the things this person had said and done to me. It was over. But then...my loving God began a work in my heart. I didn’t come straight to the conclusion that I needed to ask forgiveness from this person. I was on a gradual journey & my heart began going through a transformation that I can only explain as a God-change. I was craving God’s word constantly. I truly felt my relationship with Jesus deepening into something very special and real. Knowing that I wanted my heart to be cleaned out and made pure, I began to ask God to show me things that I could do in order to make things right with people so that my heart, motives and actions could line up with God’s heart. And of course, don’t ya know it...He began to show me people who I needed to apologize to.

Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” 
I love how The Message puts Psalm 139:23 & 24. “Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about; See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.” 

I knew swallowing my pride was going to be hard enough, but being genuine with my apology WITHOUT needing or requiring an apology from this person? I knew I couldn’t do it without tapping into God’s mercy and grace. And when we do that...WATCH OUT. I was overwhelmed with love for this person. I wrote out a very long apology and sent it off. I didn’t blame, accuse or point out my friend’s wrongdoings. Even if it had ended there, I experienced this incredible sense of joy in my heart from being obedient to God’s command in the situation. I don’t care how hard the situation is, when we’re obedient to God’s leading, there will be His joy in our souls. He has given full access to His love, mercy, grace. We can’t do it alone. We can’t love people like they are meant to be loved. We can’t pour abundant grace on everyone like is should be poured out. We can try to. But we’ll discover VERY quickly, it’s just not going to happen. And that’s ok. God wants us to plug our hearts into His. THAT is how it’s meant to be. Thank you, Jesus.

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” I can love them, pour grace out on them, give mercy to them THROUGH HIM.

So within a couple of days, this friend emailed back, expressing their heart & how they were sorry too & how we should just start fresh. What an additional blessing that they were so receptive! That’s not always the case though. But again, it’s ok. We are only required to be responsible for our own reactions and motives. If we are listening to God’s beautiful voice in our lives and being obedient to Him, we don’t have to worry about others’ responses or hearts. It’s not our place. We can however, pray that their hearts and lives long for God. Because as we all run after God and long for hearts like His heart, we will come to this mutual ground of love, understanding and mercy. Wow. I declare God as faithful. 

1 Chronicles 29:27, “I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these things I have given willingly and with honest intent. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you.”

Lose Your Control

Oh friend. The skies were so blue yesterday. And still today, I don’t see any snow in the park. It’s overcast and a little rainy but it’s actually very comforting. I’ve always loved heavy clouds and rain. It’s like a blanket to me. Even though the air is wet, it still has a touch of warmth to it. Mmmm. My coffee is especially delicious today.

My sweet little beagle has been barking up a storm. He was staring out the window & I could tell there was something out there that he was very excited about. When I looked out to see what it was, there I saw it...bouncing across the lawn in it’s furry gloriousness. A squirrel. I felt like barking out the window too! Well, for different reasons than my puppy. Spring is finally showing itself. It’s not bathing suit weather quite yet, but hey...I’ll take it. Actually, I don’t know why I act like get excited about “bathing suit season”. My bathing suit now consists of a tshirt and shorts that go down to my knees...and that’s if I’m just with my husband and feeling sassy. I jumped on the scale yesterday and realized that I’ve been VERY good about putting on my winter weight...or as I like to call it, “my insulation”. (All of the positive thinking that I’ve been doing to make sure I finish strong at the things I start has obviously been working. Well done, Heather. Well done. You deserve a cookie.) Anyway, I just long for long summer days to sit in the backyard with friends and watch my husband barbecue on the grill. But “barbecuing days” doesn’t sound as cute as “bathing suit season.” So that will be one of my codes when we talk. Glad we got that out there.

I was planning on having a little “surface talk” with you. But we’re closer than that. So I decided I won’t hold back. You love me regardless of my flaws, right? I sure hope you know I love you unconditionally too. You’re mess and flaws are FABULOUS. Can I just share something with you then? I know this may come as a surprise to you...but I HATE having to be patient. What’s even harder if having to be patient AND trusting God at the same time. I would much rather busy myself with details and actions I can take that help make me feel in control of my situation. Or if there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel like I’m controlling a part of the situation, I allow myself to get worked up, anxious & stressed.

Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” That verse is pretty straight forward. The first part of that verse is super easy for me to do; but resting in the fact of the second part, not so easy.

And I’ve noticed something that I’ve done a lot. I will pray and tell God that I trust Him & that I’m resting in Him, but my actions prove otherwise. I know God is in control, but living accordingly; there’s an issue there for me sometimes. If I say I know God’s holding my life & guiding my every step, but I don’t live like I know it, do I REALLY believe it?

I feel like it’s comparable to someone telling me that they love me, but not showing it in their actions. Very quickly it becomes clear to me that this person does not really love me because none of their actions line up with what they’re saying! And I want my life to line up. I’ve realized it’s now a conscious decision that I have make on a daily basis (many, many times a day) to stop my thoughts, stop what I’m doing, stop how I’m acting, and purposefully share my heart with God, proclaim that He is in control, and let go of my attempt at controlling anything. Then I meditate and recite verses that will keep my thoughts on that track. But girl, this is difficult for me. It does not come naturally. But I know what the truth is & I want to live in it.

Deuteronomy 7:9, “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” Isn’t that an incredible verse!? God is God, just know that. And also know He’s a faithful God. He keeps His promises. Woohoo! Can’t we be excited about that!? I’m about to embarrass my husband & climb the rooftop to shout to the entire city! This is such good news!!

My cute (most of the time) puppy is such an example of how I should live. He just loves all the time. Doesn’t matter who you are, what your past is like or what mistakes you’ve made that day...he LOVES. He’ll give kisses, cuddle all up on you, stare at you with his big, brown eyes with such affection and love. He’s so happy-go-lucky and just trots around the house like today is the best day of his life. He doesn’t worry or stress himself out wondering if he’s getting fed that night. He’s not concerned that if his water bowl gets low it won’t ever be filled back up again. He doesn’t care when we live paycheck to paycheck. So if we can take care of our dog and make sure he has everything he needs, then HOW MUCH MORE can we trust our Savior? Seriously. The God who sent his only Son to DIE for US. How much greater does He want to pour out blessings on us? We serve a God that gives abundantly. Not once have I had a need that He has just barely filled. He has always provided for me above and beyond! This isn’t to say that we can just get “stuff” from Him, or whatever we want, He’ll give to us. Sometimes something like looks like sweet candy to us but ends up being poison. And He knows this & is so faithful take care of His children. He doesn’t take care of you “just barely”; but ABUNDANTLY. He is our daddy, so of course He delights when we laugh & we’re happy & receive special little surprises. Besides the verses that I used above, here are a couple others that I’m standing on. Declare them in your own life & I know you’ll be able to see God powerfully move.

Psalm 37:4 & 7 says, “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” 

This verse is one that I learned when I was little. So in the past I've had a tendency to pass over it or read it really fast and move on because I had it memorized; I already "knew" it. Honestly, I feel like I had become a numb to this verse. But thank you, Jesus, that Your Word is living. This verse has now become one of my favorites & I can just eat every word when I read it now. Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” 

So I am dying to my self and doing what is unnatural. I give You control of my life, my Savior, my Provider, my Protector, my Daddy. I know You are in control & I am not. I release my grip on my own life and cling to You tightly. And I declare You as faithful!

Encouragement

Hello friend. I think you get more beautiful each day. It’s that heart of yours. It’s shining from the inside out.

I was thinking the other day (I do that from time to time). I started to drift off into a nice, little, mental vacation as I stared out the window. There’s a cute little park across the street and I like to people-watch as they walk their dogs & don’t pick up after them.

Side note: To the lady with the Saint Bernard the size of a horse- I see the evidence your dog leaves behind and come spring when the snow melts, you’ll be revealed for the “fake picker upper” you really are. PS. You’re jacket is fantastic. I’ve been looking for a long one like that. You look fabulous. Love, Heather

Ok, back to my point. As I was daydreaming, I began to pray and ask God for some encouragement. I didn’t need anything life-altering, just a word of encouragement from someone. Or perhaps a love note in the mail. Those are always fun. So as I started to go on with my day, I felt God move in my heart. And as much as I had desired encouragement for myself just moments before, I felt the need to encourage someone else. So as I began to think of all the lovely ladies in my life that I would just love to encourage, I knew that God wanted me to encourage someone who wasn’t in my “best friend circle”. You know who I’m talking about. The lady that you’re not necessarily “close to”; or perhaps, the one that you’d prefer to say hi to & that’s all. Anything above that, would just be...awkward. Besides, we don’t know about her life well enough to personally take the time to pray for & encourage her, right?

Ohhhh, how WRONG I can be. She is loved! Just as you are. Just as I am. We are all equally precious in His sight. So guess what? As daughters of the Most High, it is our responsibility to love on her, encourage her, but most importantly, show His love to her. His unconditional, pure, passionate love.

Romans 12:6-9 says, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement”. 

I began to feel a little anxiety set in as I was typing out the note to her. How was she going to respond to this? Was she going to think I was weird? I hadn’t talked to her in literally a year. After about line 5 of this note, I realized how ridiculous I was being. Whenever someone encourages me, that’s how I respond... “WHAT? Why would you tell me how great you think I am? You think I’m WHAT!? Amazing?? And you love me?? Gosh. Keep those thoughts to yourself next time!” The more I wrote, the more I began to really admire and love her. Which resulted in me wanting to write more. Which made me love her more. Which...ya know.

As I typed out the last line of the note, I was so excited to send it to her. It wasn’t anything super-deep, I just typed what flowed out. I signed it and hit ‘send’.

Within the hour, I received a message back from her. Her reply started, “You’re not going to believe this, but I was just praying that God would encourage me today.” Oh, sister. I believe it.

Our God is so incredible like that. He’s not only holding the entire universe together, He LOVES to encourage you. He loves to pour His love and grace on you. You are His treasure and the “little things” in your life are so important to Him. I was more encouraged that day by GIVING out encouragement. As great as a love note would have been, her response made my heart leap in my chest. It showed me how personal God is. And how loving and caring He is.

I love this verse. Philemon 1:7, “Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.” 

So if I may, could I suggest we intentionally refresh the heart of at least one woman this week? And make it interesting; encourage a woman that you haven’t talk to in a while or someone you don’t know that well. They are going to be so surprised and blessed. Let’s pray for guidance on how to encourage her, and just do it! Whether it’s a note in the mail, an email, a flower, a coffee date or a verse written out & given to her; let’s lift up that woman and show her how passionate God is about her. Don’t worry about wording everything perfectly. These are not just your words, this will be a love note from her Father.

By the way, YOU’RE fantastic. You sincerely bless me & have touched my heart. And I’m absolutely positive that you’re beautiful heart is going to greatly impact the people in your life this week.

I am praying for you. And I declare Him faithful!

Just Worship

Hello my friend. I think you and I need a weekend getaway soon to somewhere warm. This cold weather has left my toes blue and my lips chapped. Whoever wrote that song, “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow”, was obviously warm-natured and had a vacation house in the tropics. Along with my hot coffee, I have plugged in my electric heating pad. Yep, it’s that kind of a day. And I'm so happy to share some of it with you.

Now that I’m warming up, I’m going to tell you about a few things I’ve learned in my 25 years of life so far.

At age 2, I learned gummy worms are delicious, but the ones in the backyard are not. And being the thorough 2 year old I was, it took me biting into 3 of the little squirmers to come to the conclusion that these were not the same as the rainbow colored treats that grandma brought over when she visited. To this day, I prefer gummy bears. When I was 4, I discovered that my baby sister was NOT a real life baby doll; she did not need Audrey Hepburn bangs, therefore I shouldn’t practice my hairstyling skills on her. When I turned 6, I discovered that boys throw dirt at you when they like you. Why this happens, I still don’t know. All I do know is that I lost a perfectly good Winnie the Pooh t-shirt due to a red clay, mud ball during JP’s crush on me in kindergarten. Tragic, I know. When I was 10, I began to realize my parents didn’t know everything. The immediate years following this realization was an interesting time for me and my mom because I became Miss Sassy Pants and started thinking I was pretty much right...all the time. Ok, I wasn’t “pretty much” right all the time...I was SPOT ON with every issue in life. I was shocked that everyone couldn’t see how perfect my reasoning was. When I turned 16, I discovered that no matter how hard my parents tried to talk me into learning to drive a manual car, I was not at all coordinated enough to do so successfully. If stick-shifts were that great, then please tell me why automatics were invented? At age 18, I realized being considered a “legal adult” didn’t at all make me feel like one. When I was 21, I experienced how wonderful being in love was...and how how painful it was when it wasn’t with the right person. At 22, I discovered how incredible it was to fall in love with my best friend/co-counselor at a summer camp; and at age 23, what a fairytale it was to marry him.

But there’s one thing in particular that I’ve learned and I want to share it with you. It may sound simple, elementary or basic. (But that’s the beautiful thing about truth, right? It’s not complicated.) And this truth I want to share with you has revolutionized my life. Days when I feel overwhelmed & I literally don’t know what to do...I worship. Not because I “feel” happy, or “feel” like worshipping, but because God is faithful every day, whether I feel it or not.

1 Chronicles 16:23 says: “Sing to the LORD, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day.”

So since I know He is faithful, I worship Him. I don’t focus on my problems, I focus on the truth that He promises never to forget me, that His love will never end and that His grace is sufficient. I don’t focus on the issue that feels so huge it’s paralyzing my heart at times. I plug in my iPod, turn on praise and worship music, and I sing to my God because I trust Him.

Psalm 59:16 says: “But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” 


I don’t want shallow faith that bends or breaks when I feel the waves starting to sway my boat. I don’t want to retreat; shut down; crumble. No. My God calmed the waves. He establishes my footsteps. He WANTS to bless me abundantly. My God is my foundation and He fulfills His promises. And on the days when I would previously cry all day, I now cry out to my God, declaring Him faithful. Sometimes I use words. Sometimes my emotions are so tattered that I don’t even know what words to use, so my spirit cries out to Him.

I love what John 4:23 says. “Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.”

As dark as those moments seemed before, the sun really did come in the morning. And by worshipping through those times, I stay connected to God in a way I never knew was possible. When I don’t let my emotions dictate whether I declare Him faithful, it strengthens me. It strengthens my spirit. I grab onto my Solid Rock, and even when I feel the waves crashing around me, that Rock doesn’t move.

Of course this truth isn’t something I have perfected or will ever perfect. I still have times of being overwhelmed with the world. But I think that’s ok. It’s who I give those overwhelming issues and feelings to that matter. I’m just so excited that I have experienced the realness of worshipping my God on any day.

So regardless of the waves, I declare Him faithful.

Source of Life

Hi friend. You're looking fabulous today.

Do you have your hot drink in hand? I have mine. I also have my mirror set up in front of me. So as I'm saying this, I'm making sure Heather hears it too.

Yikes. I need to get my highlights touched up. Maybe I'll set that mirror down.

So, I tried to use my cell phone yesterday & it wouldn't dial out, or even turn on for that matter. I hadn't charged it in days but I figured it'd still work. I mean, I know that I have to plug it in every night to ensure that it's battery is totally charged for me the next day. But I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't just work. It was completely charged a few days ago. And it frustrated me. I knew I should just go plug it in, but I had people to call, and I didn't have time to walk over and plug it in! C'mon.

Ok, ok. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. And I may have even lost a few readers because they thought, "My heavens. Poor girl isn't the brightest crayon in the box, is she?" But for all of you who are still following, this didn't REALLY happen. But let me explain.

During my college years, I would hear my sister and some of my friends say, "I just can't imagine going a day without being in God's Word!" They would describe to me how they could tell if they went through their day without being "filled" with His Word first. I never really understood this because by the time they had their "quiet time", I had already washed the dishes (turned the dishwasher on), ironed my clothes for the next day (threw my outfit in the dryer on the "scorch" setting) and pretended to finish my history paper. How would praying and sitting there help me?

And then, my Savior, after relentlessly pursuing me for years and loving me before I was even born, CHANGED MY LIFE. Slowly, but surely, I began to understand what my sister and friends had tried to express to me before. After experiencing uninterrupted, personal one-on-one time with God on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day, I just knew that I'd never be able to go a day without setting time aside to share my heart with Him. But just as sure as I was that I'd keep it up…I surely didn't. At first I thought that maybe I'd just pray while I was being "productive" around the house. And then, I'd get so sidetracked with changing the toilet paper rolls in the bathrooms and scrubbing the tub, that praying went right out the window. And my favorite laughable reasoning was, "Sure, I WANT to spend time with my Savior. But I have too much to do. Plus, I don't feel 'needy' today, so I'll just spend extra time with Him tomorrow. Won't He be happy about that." Then 24 hours later, "I'll just wait until tomorrow. I'm still doing good. I hardly cried over anything today." Another day or two goes by and I realize that I'm really…just…in a funk for some reason. In fact, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed…and empty. My faith is feeling a little shaky.

But it's written out crystal clear in Romans 10:17. It says: "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."

So this is where you think I'd connect those dots and say to myself, "HELLO! You know what you need. You need to plug into your life source! Easy fix. Now go do it." But instead, like a broken record, I repeat to myself, "I'm way too busy; and really, I just don't feel like it. I'm not feeling happy and I don't want to come to a perfect God when I'm not feeling happy. I'll try to perk myself up with some chocolate or something and THEN I'll spend some interrupted time with Him. Tomorrow." This is so egotistical! Why do I think it's ok to fellowship with the Lord only when I need to get something out of it? The God of the universe wants desperately to spend time with ME; listen to me pour out my heart to Him; comfort me. And He wants to talk directly to me also! John 4:23 expresses how God loves our worship and longs for fellowship with us! Umm, WOW.

Really? Are you serious, Heather? How many times did your momma drop you on your head as a baby? (Besides the 2 times she's apologized COUNTLESS times for.)

God-is-our-source-of-life. He is our joy giver, grace giver, abundant life giver. Without staying plugged into that source, we cannot and will not live each day to the fullest. We need to get over ourselves and realize that we are not self sufficient and can not navigate our lives without Him. And praise God that we don't have to! I declare Him faithful!

Who I Am.

Hello sweet friend.

I’d really love to talk with you and share my heart; I mean, REALLY share my heart. So grab some coffee or hot tea & let’s have a chat. I love you dearly and I want you to know who I am. But above all else, I want to declare my God as faithful.

I don’t know about you, but periodically I catch myself letting out a deep, heavy sigh. Even if nothing in particular is happening at that moment, it doesn’t matter. Here comes the sigh. It’s like I’m releasing feelings of being overwhelmed from fighting a battle that I’m unaware of. Or maybe all the stresses of life combine into this huge pile, so I’m not thinking of just one thing that’s on my mind, because 1,000 things are. What do I do on days like this? Well, there’s the classic to-do list. That’s very helpful, right? Until I literally run out of room on my paper to list everything. So then I think, “I need to buy an actual to-do list that’s long enough. I better put that on my shopping list.” Then I’m overwhelmed that my to-do list can’t even carry all things I need to take care of.  Ok, let’s forget the to-do list. My preferred plan of action is not having a plan at all. That’s right, my friend. I can allow myself to be a professional procrastinator if the occasion calls for it. I thought marrying a man would make me more organized and motivated. Or at least make me look better. But instead, I’m the one that is being asked to pick up my underwear off the floor or keep my paperwork semi-organized. Wow. That transition into superwoman didn’t happen as well as I had hoped.

Marrying a man that truly finds joy in being organized, having a dusted house and wiped-clean electronics doesn’t make it very easy to pretend to be organized either. I know we’re married, but I still have stories about my college dorm room I haven’t shared with him. Stories that would haunt and disturb him to his squeaky clean core.  Marrying a man who thinks being 10 minutes early is being on time has also stretched my “fashionably late by 20 minutes” habits.  During my sophomore year, my sister became a freshman at the same University I was at and we thought it would be fun to take some classes together. From the first day of our sisterly-shared classes, my sister regretted it. I always knew it took me an hour to fully get ready in the morning. But for a little reason I like to call “loving my sleep more than life itself”, (sorry Mae) I made us late for every class. It got to the point where she would say, “I love you, Heather, but I’m going to be on time today. You’re on your own. See you at class.” At first, I could convince her that I was just a couple minutes away from being ready to leave and she would wait for me. But then my baby sister wised up and figured out that 2 minutes meant 15 minutes in my language. And I usually had a stressful, hurried walk to class…alone. I take full responsibility for that. But if I could just add one thing…I was always dressed nicely and fully accessorized. Sometimes I even remembered to bring my textbooks.

Up until about a year ago, I worked tirelessly to make my father proud of me and love me. But love shouldn’t have to be worked for or earned, right? But as I was told what I was doing wrong, I immediately claimed how awful I was and tried harder to change into something different just so I could feel love and approval. Comments in my childhood, regardless of whether or not they were maliciously said to me, deeply scarred me. I went from thinking I could conquer the world, to wondering if I was good at anything. I went from thinking I was the prettiest girl in the room, to not eating for days at a time so that I could be somewhat attractive. I almost always had breakouts on my face, so layers of makeup went on to help complete the mask that I liked to wear to cover up the ugliness I felt.

Looking back at all of the defining moments that hurt in my life, I see God’s hand. Times I was laying in bed, knowing my decisions were not only hurting myself, but hurting the people I claimed to love, I still felt God’s grasp on my heart. He wouldn’t let go. I would cry and ask God why He still wanted me. There was nothing likable, much less lovable about me. At least that’s how I felt. I wasn’t interesting enough or beautiful enough to keep the attention of the people that I desperately longed for. I wasn’t the prettiest, the most talented or creative. I was just…me. And I was a MESS. I always viewed my messy life as a reason that I couldn’t be used by God for something bigger than what I was. I was empty. I didn’t have anything in me that could stack up against the people around me. I had no 5-year plan. I didn’t know what my plans were for the upcoming weekend, much less what I wanted to do after college or the rest of my life.

So long story short, I’m a mess. There’s no cute little box with a perfect little ribbon tied around this girl’s life. But despite my messiness, God has ALWAYS been faithful. And I think BECAUSE of my messiness, God is faithful. God never asked us to get our lives together before we accept Him into our lives. What I’ve learned is that it’s impossible to get to a point where I feel ready enough, clean enough, organized enough, pure enough, holy enough to approach a perfect, unconditionally loving God. I can’t do enough to earn His love. But that’s the thing. There’s NOTHING I can do to make Him love me. He just loves me. Let that soak in.

God loves you. Nothing you’ve done or will ever do will change the fact that Jesus died for YOU. He died for YOU. He welcomes your messiness.

Listen to what 2 Corinthians 12:9 says:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

So there we are. I’m a mess and God loves me. I am empty without Him. Anything good inside of me is from God. He is personal, loves unconditionally & pours out grace on me every single day. From the second my feet the floor in the morning, God has given me the strength & grace that I need to live that day; not just get through the day, but fully, abundantly & passionately LIVE. Because I am empty without Him & because I am weak, Christ’s power can be made perfect in that weakness! Praise God! I declare Him faithful!