Rejoicing in Noes

I find it interesting that when I ask God for a clear answer about something, I usually get discouraged when I hear “No”. Or even harder to hear is, “You have to wait.” I usually try to add a little gray into the black and white answer I eagerly ask for. “So Lord, does ‘no’ mean just not at this second? Are you going to change your mind this afternoon? Because I have to tell ya, I need an answer on this soon.” Since when did receiving the answer I don’t want to hear become an irrelevant answer? Do I really mean what I’m asking for in my prayers? This little fact about myself has been eye opening to say the least!

My husband & I are currently considering buying a house. We have seen numerous houses. In each house, I always love to envision where I would put our dining room table, which room the baby’s room would be & think about the bbq parties we would have with friends in the back yard. Of the many houses we’ve seen, we’ve only liked 2 enough to give an offer. (And just a side note: Whoever told me that it’s the buyers market right now has definitely not tried to buy in our area. Wowzers! I feel like I’m a little tadpole in a tank of sharks right now!) Anyways, we put an offer on a house about 2 weeks ago. After we submitted all the paperwork we needed to, there seemed to be one hold up after the other on the broker’s side. I asked God to give me His peace & a confidence to know that He knew what was best for us & that any hold up would not effect whether or not this house was supposed to be ours.  And boy, did I feel that. My confidence didn’t have to do with the amount of our offer or the fact that we were the first bid. That really doesn’t guarantee anything in the house-buying world I’ve learned. But I had this overwhelming peace that I’ve had many times before. I grabbed a rock from beside the driveway & decided I would put it on our countertop at home. I told Jarred that whenever we looked at that rock, we were going to claim our house & thank God for it. I don’t think he was necessarily on the same page as I was, because his response was, “Whether or not we get this house, this rock represents that God knows what’s best for us.” What was he thinking!? I had a peace & confidence that God knew what He was doing, so obviously that meant this house was my house. A few days later, Jarred called me from work & told me that we didn’t get the house. I could have just passed out on the floor from shock. All I could think was, “But my rock…it’s right here.” After my initial shock & a few tears, my husband reminded me what that rock really represented & that we had been praying for God’s answer about the house…not a yes. Oh snap. That’s right!

So this past week I’ve been more aware as I pray & ask God for His answer or direction about anything. And I’m keenly aware of the words I’m praying when I say “Your will be done.” When you ask for that second one & mean it, buckle up because you never know what’s going to happen. I think the most rewarding & spiritually growing times in my life, even though sometimes difficult, have happened when I jump wholeheartedly into that statement. But I’ve never regretted those times. Ever. However, even after experiencing it firsthand, my flesh instinctively wants to test the waters again & again before I jump.

So I’ve decided I will no longer pray for God’s will when I know I’m just trying to hear the answer I want. I will first readjust my view, refocus my heart & realize that His best for my life is not always what I want at that moment. I have many, many, many examples of that in the past. Yet, I still need reminding. Thank you, Lord for reminding me…again. So all of this to say, I am so grateful for my “noes” in life. They are just as beautiful as my “yeses”. If I truly want to be plugged into God’s will, I will be thankful for each guided step & rejoice in every answer He gives me. He is always good to His children & I declare my God as faithful! 

In The Still Of My Heart

I was doing some cleaning yesterday afternoon to prepare for a visit from my sister & baby nephew. It’s always when I know I’ll be having company that I will dust everywhere (yes, even the places you can’t see) and finally decide where to put that stack of mail that has collected in the corner.

As I was finishing up in the kitchen I looked on top of my refrigerator & stared at the hospital bands that I was required to wear the night we lost our first baby. For months they remained on my counter where I could see & touch them every day. I didn’t want to throw them away or hide them. I don’t know why, but they have remained precious, tangible objects that have reminded me of the physical & emotional pain of that night. I could touch them & hold them in my hand when I needed to. And it brought comfort & connection to me. I didn’t want to get rid of them because I didn’t want to forget anything. Now I know I will never forget. How could I? But for a while it was a very real fear for me to think that the memory of that night or our baby would fade or that people would forget about our baby’s life. Those bands symbolized that for me. So getting rid of them would mean that what happened didn't mattered. It terrified me. After a couple of months, I deliberately moved them from my counter to the top of the refrigerator. It was a step towards further healing for me. I knew they were there. If I needed to look at them or hold them, I could. But they were further away. And for the past 5 months, that’s where they have remained.

So yesterday, as I fixated my eyes on them, I began crying. Not out of sorrow, but out of remembrance. And I knew & felt that it was time. Not to discard them, but to tuck them away somewhere special, just like that night & our baby will always be a very real, precious part of me. So I did just that. And I realized something. That piece of my heart is no longer an excruciating, open wound. My God started bandaging it the moment that loss began. He personally tended to it in the quiet nights where I laid in bed sobbing, crying out to Him, wrapped in my husband’s arms. Even though it was painful, there were multiple times that my God changed those bandages & cleaned out the wound, because that’s what it needed. And yesterday, as I tucked those hospital bands away where they will remain from now on, I knew that the wound I have felt for 7 months has now become a beautiful scar. I realize that the healing that Jesus Christ has given me does not diminish the memory of our baby or minimize the significance & importance of that life-changing night. It just means that my God is faithful to walk with me through the dark valley & will restore me always. He is close to the broken-hearted & faithful to His Children. His peace is beyond what we can fathom. His love is deeper than we’ll ever know.

Thank you, Father for my beautiful scar. Enjoy loving on our sweet baby. We look forward to the time when we will be reunited & can do it ourselves. I declare You as faithful, my God, Savior & Comfort.

And as another testament to God’s faithfulness & for those of you who may not know, I am 6 ½ months pregnant with a little girl. We are naming her Raelyn which comes from the name Rachel in the Bible. It means “God’s lamb of beauty”. And oh my goodness, yes she is. 

Unmerited Favor

Dear sweet friend,


Guess what?!?


God's love and grace for you is deeper than the ocean!!

Sometimes we can read over a sentence like that and say to ourselves, "Yes, I know that…" but let that statement sink in for a second.


God's perfect love FOR YOU and His abundant grace FOR YOU is deeper than your mind can even fathom! It's freely given and given abundantly. Isn't that incredible? 

God's grace, no matter how you feel at this moment, is enough! It's so easy to get overwhelmed and hope that God's grace, if stretched and pulled really thin, will cover this huge thing in our lives. We may not verbalize it like that out loud, but if we'll be honest with ourselves, I think we might agree that sometimes that's how we feel deep down. But a more accurate description would be like dropping our grain-of-sand-circumstance into the the never-ending-ocean-of-God's-grace and hoping that the grace-water will cover it! Does that make sense?


His grace is enough. Not almost enough. Not sometimes enough. Not barely enough. Not enough only if you deserve it. Not enough for that woman but not for you. His grace is enough.


You are covered, my friend! You and your life are completely submerged in His grace.


2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.


Be encouraged precious one! You are loved passionately and eternally by Almighty God!!


I declare my God as faithful!

It's Love

God is love.
 

I think it's important to know how the Word defines love because that's also describing the very heart of our God.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us,

Love...
Is patient.

Is Kind.
Doesn't envy.
Doesn't boast.
Isn't proud.
Doesn't dishonor others.
Not self-seeking.
Not easily angered.
Doesn't keep a record of wrongs.
Doesn't delight in evil.
Rejoices with the truth.
Always protects.
Always trusts.
Always hopes.
Always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Love gave His perfect Son to die for a sinful, dirty world, to redeem & to restore it.

God is love.

Simple words, complex statement.

A couple weeks ago I had the beautiful opportunity to watch my sister give birth to my first nephew. Then I was able to spend the first week & a half of his life with him. I've always thought the process of labor was a miraculous & wonderful thing, but when I actually saw our little man enter the world & take his first breath, it was life changing.

I've loved that boy from the moment I found out my sister was pregnant with him. And when I got to hold him for the first time, hear him use his voice for the first time & actually get to see his perfect face & body…WOW! My heart was so jam-packed full of love & passion, it almost hurt.

That baby didn't say or do anything to make me love him. He hasn't done anything to deserve all the love & affection that's directed to him from everyone in our family except belong to us. And if I am a flawed, sinful human that can love like that, how much more does our perfect & holy God love His children? There is nothing we said or did to make God love us. There is nothing we can say or do to make Him love us more or less. That love is established & it's eternal. We can't move it, shake it or destroy it. Ever. His love for us is so passionate & pure that He made the ultimate sacrifice to save us from being separated from Him. It was our sin & our choices that threatened that connection. But our loving God gave His Son was crucified so that our connection with God could be restored & we can spend eternity in His presence. That is love.

I love you like crazy, baby Daniel. But your God loves you even more! And dear friend, your God is crazy in love with you too! There is nothing you can say or do to deserve His love…or lose it. Pretty good deal, right?

I declare my God as oh-so-faithful!!

Faithful & Just

Hello friend! Spring-like weather has been teasing us for the past week. And now, a snowstorm is headed this way. I am soaking up every ray of sunshine & every ounce of warmth I can. It sure has me excited for picnics & hikes when winter is REALLY over! But as soon as that storm hits, I know I will be in awe of its beauty. I may not like the cold, but I sure love the snow. (Explain the logic in that one.) I hope you are well. I sure love you.

Routines are sometimes hard break & habits are even harder to retrain. It may take me just a moment to mess things up, but I'll tell you what…I can beat myself up about it for a LONG time. I have the endurance of a marathon runner when it comes to remembering certain mistakes I've made. Even when I've genuinely repented for what I've done & I "know" I've been forgiven…my flesh likes to remind me. My flesh likes to keep me in a state of regret & embarrassment. My flesh likes to keep me IN THE PAST. As a result, my PRESENT is eaten away by memories & reminders of what once was. And most of the time, the energy & emotion that I use to beat myself up about that "thing" impacts me more than the actual mistake itself!

Sometimes looking into the past can bring healing & enlightenment. It can free us from bondage of things that have happened to us or around us. But besides looking back for those reasons, it's usually not for the best.

Jesus has been showing me something incredible. It's not about my mistake. It's about my heart & choice NOW. And when He says He has forgiven me, HE HAS FORGIVEN ME. Period. That's it. End of story. He doesn't bring it up my mistakes to make me feel guilty or remind me of how inadequate I am. He doesn't use it to show me how unworthy I am to have good things in my life. That isn't the heart of my Savior.

Psalm 103:11 & 12, "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

He doesn't hold mistakes over my head or withhold good things from me because I'm imperfect. My imperfections are nothing new to Him. And the beautiful part?? He's never expected me to be perfect. He doesn't demand me to handle every situation perfectly without any mess ups or mistakes. He cares about my heart. When my heart is in line with His, THAT is what matters. So why do I beat myself up over & over & over when I mess up? It's the enemy. He knows that the forgiveness that Jesus brings is FAR MORE POWERFUL than any mess up or mistake I could ever make. When we confess & repent of our sins, Christ erases that thing immediately!

Acts 3:19, "Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out,"
  
If the enemy can keep us in that state of regret, we won't live in the fulness & abundant life that God has provided for us. When we settle into that cycle of focusing on the mistake not the forgiveness, we're really missing something. We're missing the beautiful message of the price & sacrifice that was made so that our sins could be forgiven. God sent His precious, perfect & innocent Son to die on the cross for our sins…yet we still dwell on the sins that have been forgiven? Do we believe that Jesus' blood was enough? If so, do we live like it is?
 
John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
 
What if we could really grasp onto the truth that Jesus' rejoices when we repent; He doesn't hold it against us? What if we lived that?

Thank you, Jesus for the abundant life that You've made available to us! May we live in it, dwell on it & share it with others! You are faithful & good. I've made mistakes & will continue to. But with all my heart, I want to live a righteous, holy life & focus on the beauty of Your forgiveness, not my failures! In every circumstance, in every day, Your grace is sufficient for me.

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Be blessed my friend! I declare my God as faithful!

He Gives Strength

Dear dear friend,

You look absolutely lovely. Let's do this more often. No more long breaks...I miss you too much.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continual words of encouragement, love & support! I've felt blessed beyond words to have you in my life. Jesus has continued to comfort our hearts & be ever so present to us. I am in awe of His faithfulness & have experienced it deeper than I ever had.
 
The husband & I are looking forward to a relaxing Christmas break together. There's just something about siting in front of the fireplace, drinking hot chocolate & watching the snow fall outside that brings so much joy to us. And every time it snows this week, I plan on doing just that.
 
I know this time of the year brings it's own hustle & bustle. During this season especially, one can feel a little…spread thin. There are numerous plans to make, countless ways to execute them all & at the end of the day…did I even feed the dog? Life is wearing! Well, it has the POTENTIAL to become wearing. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm in more of a tornado than a moment, I try to muster strength from anywhere inside of me. And the more I try to muster, the more my fuel tank is completely on E. I mean we're talking "I've been driving around all day running errands & now I've driven 24 miles on empty, please Jesus get me & this car home!" empty.

It is not a good feeling! Can I get an amen?? I know how tired you are girl, so I'll just take a wink if you have it in you!

This deep down tiredness doesn't just come once a year. It can be an ongoing battle. I can't tell you how many moms I see running their sons to soccer practice, then their daughters to ballet, then off to their school to help with a batch of homemade brownies for a fundraiser. And that's all before lunch! Let's not even get started with the list of house chores & church commitments! I'm convinced these woman have capes tucked underneath their sweaters. Super. Moms. But I know that the flesh can only run that fast for so long before…BAM. Facedown, unconscious, in the hill of dirty laundry.

Or my dear sweet, college girls. Sleep, free time & healthy eating are foreign concepts. Finals, exams & all-nighters are consider curse words. Four years of books, study groups & penciling in tiny, little circles on dreaded tests. (Just a side note…If you don't study, professors still don't think it's creative or amusing if you fill those circles in to make the shape of horse. Not even the ones that own a horse. Go figure.) As great of a time as it can also be, college can equal exhaustion. I remember times when I'm pretty sure I fell asleep with my eyes open staring at a computer screen. After I finally came to, I couldn't account for the previous 4 days. I wasn't starving & was wearing different clothes, so I'm pretty sure muscle memory kicked in at that point. Oh the good ol' days.

Be encouraged my friend! The strength that is inside of you isn't your own. It doesn't come from within your worn out & exhausted self! It's always renewing, always plentiful & always yours for the taking. The world can keep their 5Hour Energy shots & extra large frappy foamy coffee drinks! We have a Creator that is everlasting & all powerful, who pours His strength directly into us! Stay submerged in His word & you'll stay swimming in His strength & power.

Isaiah 40:28-31
 says,

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? 
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, & his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary & increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired & weary, & young men stumble & fall; 
but those who hope in the LORD 
will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint."

Praise God! Your sails may feel tattered, but your boat is not going down! The waves will toss & turn, but they can only sway your boat, they can't move it. Your Anchor is firm. Thank you Jesus, for Your strength & for allowing us to live in it. I declare my God as faithful!

Beauty for Ashes

Sweet, sweet friend. My heart is so heavy as I write this to you. I feel like it has been forever since we've spoken. I've missed you & have thought about you often.

The first part of my absence was morning sickness. A few months ago my husband & I found out that we were pregnant with our first sweet baby. I can't express to you the excitement & joy that was in our hearts every moment of the day. Just as I was exiting my first trimester, I began to miscarry on Oct 1st. By the end of the night, everything was done & over. The ER doctors repeatedly told me how well my body was doing. Sometimes the ugly process can take days. I can't imagine that. As blessed as I feel to not have needed any surgical or major medical intervention, the toil it has taken on my body & my heart has left me hurting badly for the last few weeks. So along with this note, I ask for you to agree with me in prayer-- I'm asking Jesus to restore my body 100%. I'm doing much better this week physically. Thank you, Lord. My heart will ache forever. I know that. But I'm so glad that when this heartbreaking moment came, I felt Jesus stronger than I ever have. He didn't leave. He was overwhelming there in the midst of the doctors, nurses & ultrasound technicians. To me, His presence was stronger than theirs. There's so much more I want to share with you, but as of this moment, this is all my heart can handle. I love you dear friend.

I would like to share a note with you that I wrote to our close friends & family the day after I lost my baby. I share this with you because I hope to express how much comfort & love the Lord has shown us. Some of you have already read this. Maybe a couple of you haven't. So I'm including this for you. I want the glory of my Savior to shine, even when the storm clouds are painfully thick. Here it is:

The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH. I know this more now than ever before. It's now become tangible to me. Last night, Jarred & I lost our sweet baby. In the midst of all the physical & emotional pain, the tears & all the uncertainty, we felt the presence of God in the ER room. We are still feeling His presence in our quiet home today. My precious husband was right at my side speaking nothing but LIFE, AFFIRMATION & ENCOURAGEMENT over me the entire time; even though I know he was scared & grieving himself. THANK YOU JESUS, for my godly, sweet, supportive husband. I love him so much. As he was supporting me, my aunt & uncle patiently waited & supported us both for hours & hours in the waiting room; what a net of support & love Jarred & I felt just knowing they were there. They are the definition of what FAMILY should be.

Even as we felt violently tossed through wave after wave of heartache & pain, The PEACE of God that SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING was heavily present in us. Having Christ as our Savior; knowing that His heart was aching with us & for us; changed this night from a tragedy to a CELEBRATION. A celebration because our baby is with our Heavenly Father & our Heavenly Father is with us. And as sad as we are & as the tears & heartache haven't ceased, we know...our God gives BEAUTY FOR ASHES.

Your love & support is so appreciated. I DECLARE MY GOD AS FAITHFUL!